I don't feel bad for people dying of lung cancer

The title of my blog is a foreign feeling to me (although I know for a fact there are those that probably echo that sentiment in reality)......

I feel like being a good foster/adoptive parent is emotionally the hardest thing I've ever had to do. In order for our journey into parenthood to be completed through adoption, another parent has to forever lose the right to see and parent their natural child. As a biological mother, I cannot fathom what that must feel like and the knowledge that their behavior contributed to their outcome doesn't soothe me even though it seems to be the ONLY thing people tell me when I share my sadness about the possibility of one of our parents losing their rights. I hear a lot of "Well they brought this upon themselves," and "They wouldn't have lost their child if they had been a a good parent."

It's completely odd to me the way people look at others who have lost their children to foster care. And the best way I can think to describe it is to compare it to someone who is suffering from a terminal illness that was brought about by some behavior of theirs. I often think of a grandmother suffering from lung cancer (who smoked for numerous years) or a grandfather that enjoyed sipping whiskey every evening who is dying from liver disease. While everyone is aware that their actions contributed to their health condition, it doesn't lessen the sadness or compassion that everyone feels about their situation. The whole family will often bear witness to an outpouring of kindness: offers of help, prayers, homemade meals brought to the doorstep, etc. Those who utter statements about the person's personal choices leading to their lung cancer are looked at as mean-spirited or callous.

Giggles and Taz's parents did life-threatening, horrible things to sweet Giggles that resulted in her being hospitalized at 3 months of age just prior to being placed in our home. We have taken the best care of her that we possibly can and we're checking developmental milestones all the time as there is a chance that their 'flash' of anger may have caused permanent damage to this sweet infant. In addition to her injuries, I'm parenting her one year old brother who has more scars than any full grown adult that I know and I'm not allowed access to the results of the full body scan that was performed on him 2 days after removal. It's pretty clear, isn't it? If these parents harm a defenseless baby (or two), they shouldn't have small children at home, right?

There was another victim in their case. A little girl that was abused by a drug-addicted father and left to fend in her home alone more often than not, that is until she was brought into foster care - let's call her Little D. She went through a miserable experience in foster care as a teen, getting homes that were burnt out and that had assigned her a behavior label before they had even met her. She was eventually sent to an aunt as her natural mother had too many alcohol problems and DUI's to be able to pass a homestudy to have her own daughter placed in her home. I think it's clear that the system failed her in every way possible and she struggles as a victim of childhood abuse AND as a victim to the system. What if I told you that Little D grew up to be Giggles and Taz's mother? Would it make any difference or change the way you feel about what happened?

My thought is that if I had Little D as a foster child 20 years ago, I would have had the SAME compassion for her and concern for her well-being that I now have for HER children. I would have wanted to break the cycle with HER and show her that parenting isn't about beatings and punishment but about consistency and love. But I didn't have her and someone else didn't get the message through to her. She parents the only way SHE has ever been parented and if you think that isn't a powerful thing, just think about all the things YOU do as a parent because your parents did them, from the tone of voice you use, to your idea of time-out, etc. You may even catch yourself uttering sentences that you SWORE you'd never tell your own children: "Because I said so," or "Because I'm your mother, that's why."

I guess what I'm trying to say is that MOST of what we reap in life is directly related to what we've sewn but that DOESN'T mean that we don't deserve any help, compassion, or a hand-up when we're kicked to the ground by past mistakes.

I've had a lot of ethical dilemmas recently where my sense of obligation and protection of a child has clashed with the sense of healing and modeling that I'd love to show the mother. Giggles and Taz's mom is being officially presented with her case plan this week in court. She will then have a review in 3 months at which point, they will likely suggest unsupervised weekend visitation with plans to offer trial re-unification (where the children go home but are monitored by DHS visits for the next 6 months). I cried and was outraged at the idea of these babies leaving our home but I know that our pain is inversely correlated to the joy that their natural mother must have been feeling at the same time. The biological mother in me rejoices that she won't know the pain caused by the permanent separation between her and her children but the prospective adoptive mother in me is sad and outraged that these babies may be returning home to the exact same situation that they were removed from.

The emotional ping-pong is causing me to question what we're doing and what types of children we should be fostering and I think we may be implementing some changes about what we're willing to take on for our next placement. I KNOW that God has a special plan for our family but after 25 children and not being able to adopt any of them, I have to wonder what that plan is.

Anyway, I am going to try to get better about blogging more regularly. When we DO get the chance to adopt, I want to be able to show our child our journey someday and how ALL of the ups and downs we went through led directly (or indirectly) to us being his/her/their parents. I also want to be able to look my child(ren) directly in the face and say, without question, that I did all I could to support their parents in reunification and that I never underestimated the pain or severity of permanently detaching a parent from his/her child. Whether they brought the removal of their children upon themselves or whether they were simply parenting the ONLY way they knew how, is actually immaterial as the end result is exactly the same.

And please DO call me when your favorite cousin is diagnosed with skin cancer after years of tanning because I will have a meal and prayer ready for you too, lecture not included.